I'm forsaking all fortune cookies

This was my fortune today: "You constantly struggle for self-improvement...and it shows."

Last week, my fortune said, "In love, you are practical and keep your feet firmly planted on the ground."

Where are all the good fortunes, huh? Ones that say, "A man in an armadillo costume will walk through your office door and hand you a golden pinata filled with Mint Milanos." or "Your boyfriend will be gifted Southwest Airlines' lifetime achievement award and receive free air miles for eternity." or "Unbeknownst to even yourself, you are a world class snowboarder and need only click your heels three times to become the professional snowboarder you are destined to be."

Seriously. I should get a job writing fortunes. Where do you sign up to do that?