Lifestyle Changes

I've decided not to go back to Seminary next quarter, mostly because it was cutting into my knitting time.

It was only a few weeks into this quarter when I realized, "This isn't working. I don't care how much aptitude I have to think critically about theological issues, I want to knit and do yoga. I want to spend Friday afternoons going to the Record Store with my husband, and I want to have space in my life to plan meals and buy groceries."

I realized a long time ago that the things I was good at didn't necessarily correlate to things I was energized by. I remember the first week of Junior Year of High School when I sat down with the Guidance Counselors, telling them that I didn't care how much aptitude I had in Advanced Biology, I hated it. They let me switch into Philosophy and Psychology under the auspices that I would be prevented from being valedictorian due to the heavy weighting the sciences received in determining class rank. But Philosophy class introduced me to writing, and the written word turned out to be a more integral part of my life than the dissection of fetal pigs was ever bound to be. For so many reasons, that was a good decision.

It's taken me just 6 months of taking classes to realize what I couldn't in 7 years of speculating about Grad School: it's not what I want right now. It's so weird, too, because I'm good at school. I can do school well...but I don't like who I become when I'm in school. I get bogged down by the pressure of the deadlines, and there is no space in my life to be the kind of person I want to be: creative, loving, and full of life.

Clay and I were just talking last night and realized that we've allowed our schedule to grow to the point that between the two of us, we have early morning commitments 5 days a week and evening commitments 6 days a week... Some of those are meetings, some of those are church commitments, some of those are weekly scheduled "fun time" with friends or students... Regardless, our schedule is running us, and there's little space for spontaneity. We want this to change, and step one is definitely me stepping out of school for the time being. Step two, three and four are TBA.

I feel like as American Christians we have to constantly traverse against the tide of busyness and clutter towards contemplation and space. In Clay and I's pursuit of the Lord, we need more space in our lives to be filled by Him. We need more space to walk through life together. Thus we move towards it.

Late Night Reflections on Learnings...

I started class #2 at Fuller: Medieval and Reformation History!  Woohoo!  Tonight we were talking about evangelizing the barbarians of the 8th century.  Argh...  During class, I contemplated whether or not it's okay to consider naming our first son Merovingian.  It seems like a good rugged manly name, and apparently bears a connotation with a "long-haired king."  (Why, hello Aragorn.)  

Tonight in class, I discovered that it's difficult to listen to your professor talk about the Benedictines when you're simultaneously watching updates on the final minutes of the Fiesta Bowl on your computer.  (It helped that there were a few Texas fans in the room to pass secret scowls and cheers to in the midst of the lecture...but it was hard to focus on the part of the lecture I was most interested in when I was also waiting to see if Texas had scored a touchdown with :16 on the clock.  Gah!)  

Lately, unrelated to class, Clay and I have been reading The Emotionally Healthy Church.  Clay recommended we read this book together after we had a conversation about wanting to be connected on a deeper emotional level. (A shout out to Duane and DeJon for introducing it to him!)  While it might seem odd to read a book about creating a healthy church in order to improve marital health...it's actually not.  Why?  Because the health of our church is a symptom of the health of the people in the church.  So--this book is pretty much all about things you can ask yourself in a quest to become a more healthy person--and thus able to serve God better in ministry.

Clay and I often question our value based on how we're feeling that particular day about our effectiveness and involvement in our ministries.  To now step back and evaluate ourselves not by the external measurables, but about the health of our own hearts, is pretty radical.  When we actually stop to examine every single defense mechanism, coping strategy and crazy neurosis we do to get through our day, it's pretty incredible to see what hurting and broken people we really are--and how that holds us back from really loving others as well as we could.

The book revealed to me that my biggest area of growth is needed in living in more brokenness and vulnerability.  The funny part is that if I had read through the list before taking the helpful little survey, I would have picked it out of the bunch.  The book is allowing me to take a candle to the dark caverns of my heart and begin to sweep out the cobwebs.  Lately, I've been able hear that extra snap in my voice, to hear that burst to want to insert my two cents into the dialogue, to quickly step up and correct someone for mispronouncing a word..and I think, "Wow...I'm so, so afraid of appearing weak...what is going on in my heart that's led me to this place?"  

I'm claimed 2009 as the year of health.  Emotional health, spiritual health, physical health.  I don't want to go anywhere special or do anything grand...I just want to be more healthy...less afraid of my own shortcomings...more authentic about my own brokenness...more able to recognize where I've failed.    

I pray that 2009 has good and wonderful things in store for you as well!  

How do you teach people how to think?

Clay asked the teens to submit questions they had about God so that he could address those topics during Youth Group. One of the questions was, "What does the Bible say about abortion?" Two nights ago, as Clay and I were dozing off, we were talking about how to respond to the question, which of course, reminded me of something I'm learning through church history.

How we respond to that question might actually be teaching the students more than what we teach them is "right." Because...in our moment of response, we can either present a set of prooftexts to support the agenda we already believe and give them the right answer--or--we can be brave enough to give the students the whole picture and teach them how to find the answers for themselves.

What I mean by, "brave enough to give students the whole picture" is this: tell them not just about the parts that say, "before you were born I knew you" and "I knit you together in your mother's womb," but also about the parts of the Bible that are more difficult...like...the part where God sends out the Plague to kill all the firstborn sons of Egypt. And then...teach them how to wade through their salvation with "fear and trembling...for it is God who works in you to will and to act, according to His good purpose." (Php 2:12b-13)

Focusing just on the list of prooftexts that support our belief is dangerous, because it means we're probably missing out on the whole picture...and we might be more attached to our own agenda than to the Lord's will. We might have even established our "biblically-based" perspective without sitting in "fear and trembling"...without taking the whole Bible into consideration...difficult questions like, "If God loves children, why does he send death to all the firstborn sons of Egypt?" In teaching students, if we just give them the "right" answer, we miss the opportunity to teach them how to wade through the complicated parts and find God in the midst of this.

Right now, I can recognize that this idea could offend some people. You might say, "But young people need to know the truth or they'll fall away!"--so let me just clarify one of my assumptions...I assume Scripture is the Word of God and worthy of teaching, but I don't think it necessarily always makes sense. And I don't necessarily think that teaching them the right answer is equivalent to teaching them the truth. We are utterly dependant on the Holy Spirit to guide our interpretation of Scripture...

Pretty much every week in Church History, we end up discussing a historical church argument...and in every controversy, we write a good, scripturally-based argument to support opposing viewpoints. Often, there's no clearly, "more Biblical," answer based just on prooftexts... Sometimes I hear people in class say, "Well, in this case, we just have to base the argument on Scripture," but unfortunately--it's not always that clear because can often find Scriptures to support two differing viewpoints. What do you do with that?

Usually, the early church ends up defending the side of the argument not so much because it's more "right," but because it's protecting some element crucial to our faith. In these cases, we ask, "If X is true, how does that contradict the nature of God as we see him in the whole context of Scripture?" Unfortunately, it seems like the current church is more convicted to lobby for their interpretations of the "right" answers.

If we just teach students the "right" answers, and not about the character of God, then there's a huge risk that the minute someone pokes holes in that "right" belief, their faith is going to crumble. We don't need to teach them to defend "right" perspectives--we need them to see and know who God is...we need to each them how to think about a question when they have one and know how to go about finding the answer...

...how do we teach them how to live out Philippians 2:12b-13: "Continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose?"
...how do we teach them wade through God's mystery?

Can I just say...

Can I just say I'm so thankful they didn't have MySpace, Facebook or Blogs during my freshman year of college, because there's no way I would have had the discipline to get anything done.  It was bad enough having Napster and the TU Network.

I have a 10-page research paper due on Monday and I'm discovering how Facebook, YouTube, and my blog provide endless time-wasters to avoid the ever-painful duty of historical analysis of primary texts.  This is no good!  

I'm never so productive as I am when I don't have wireless access.

Back to work.

Everybody Should Study This!

Over the last four weeks of studying Early Church History at Fuller Theological Seminary, I keep thinking to myself, "Everybody should study this." It is rocking my world.

Why? It's old. They're dead. It was 2000 years ago. Why study it at all if it can't apply to ministry today?

Because it's really easy to look at today's church, read the words of Jesus, and get really frustrated that the ministry of the church doesn't look more like the ministry of Christ. It's easy to be angry that the church isn't unified in Christ.

Through my readings about the 1st and 2nd century church, my heart is changing. I'm no longer angry that our church is such a mess--I'm disappointed that I never learned this from my church. I'm disappointed because I believe that knowing our history would change the way we live and minister. After a month of readings, I'm no longer asking, "When did this become such a mess," rather, I'm asking, "How on earth did the church survive all this?! It's a miracle!" And I'm praising God for protecting the church and allowing it to grow and flourish at all.

In reading our history, I realize that many of my assumptions and frustrations with the church have been made in ignorance--and in reading about all of the adversities facing the early church, I'm filled with a compassion and love for the church I've never had before. When I see how dedicated and passionate our early church leaders were in their pursuit of Christ, I no longer care that the church is a mess--I'm just inspired to be a part of it.

Last night, I was sharing lots of these thoughts with Clay, and we were talking about the early church in Rome. Clay said something about that being the history of the Catholic church, and I piped up (with a great deal of passion), "No! That's our church history too! Our church didn't even exist until the 1860's...it didn't pop out of a void...it came from somewhere--so the history of the Early Church in Rome is the history of our church too!"

If we are truly one church united by Christ, than the church's history is our history, good, bad and otherwise. The martyrs and saints are our history, the split in 1054 is our history, the Spanish Inquisition is our history, the Reformation is our history.

I think a lot of times American Protestants see our roots in the early American church or the Reformation, and we don't look back any further than that. The Spanish Inquisition is something the Catholic church did, not us. Guess what?! Since there was not an American Protestant church in 1478, I'm pretty sure that that's a part of our church history too.

I know that Free Methodism started as a movement during the civil war, and before that we were apart of the Methodist movement begun by John Wesley in the 1730's. Studying the last 360 years of our history is good and fine, but there were 1638 other years of history in there before we got to the reformation, and there were thousands of years of Jewish history before that, which, since Jesus and the apostles were all JEWS is also a part of our history.

My whole point is, how can we possible respond to our present without knowing what we've gone through to get to this point? We're apt to throw out the lessons we've already learned or spend time on the details instead of using our past to illuminate where we should go in the future. We are apt to ignorantly schism ourselves away from our brothers and sisters without remembering that there have been so many times in our past (and presently--in China and so many countries) when we were united under the pressure of persecution.

Yesterday, I was inspired by the story of the martyrdom of Polycarp. Here's an early church Bishop who was killed by the Romans because he refused to worship the Emporor and recant Christ. His story was written down to share as an encouragement for other believers and to bear witness to the power of Christ. It is offensive that martyrs should ever die without the church celebrating and remembering their sacrifice. Please read, and then read Romans 12:1-2 and ask the Lord to illuminate new meaning of those words in your life. Allow early church history to rock your world!

Christ: "And Culture" or "Against Culture"

Last night, in class 2 of 10 of my Early Church History at Fuller NW, we talked about a debate that's existed since the early days of the church: Should we present the gospel through the lens of the culture or as against culture?

I think that until last night, I've misunderstood the concepts. I previously understood that the model of "Christ and Culture" was always good: inclusive, supportive, walking alongside culture.
In my mind, the model of "Christ and Culture" was the Emmaus Road type of ministry--walking alongside of others and revealing the gospel to them gradually. Or Paul at the Aereopagus, building repoire with the thinkers of Athens before pointing them towards Christ...it esteemed them and pointed them towards Christ towards things they already know.

The model of "Christ against Culture" was always bad: narrowminded, exclusive, judgmental. But if I think about Christ's life, the model of "Christ against Culture" is there in his actions as well: Casting the Buyers and Sellers out of the Temple, or Jesus renouncing the cities who had not repented.

The benefits of the "Christ Against Culture" model are that we we can be holy--set apart (which doesn't mean we have to be sectarian). We can be "of Christ" and be something different while living in the culture...we can call people into repentance. In the "Christ and Culture" model, we can pick up the shards of truth in the culture, and as Justin Martyr taught, piece them together to show how Christ is in all of that Truth. We can illuminate the truth in the culture to point people towards Christ.

Looking at youth ministry, I see that the "Christ and Culture" model is much more effective in becoming friends with a student, but it doesn't necessarily mean that a student will develop a relationship with the Lord. The "Christ against Culture" model is more effective in seeing students make a commitment to follow Christ, but it doesn't necessarily result in a deep or long-lasting commitment.

Where I began in the discussion isn't exactly where I ended up the discussion...but before I share that--I'm curious to know--where are you and your ministry in this and why?

Small Town Coffee Date

Tonight, I asked my husband out for a coffee date. It went kind of like this:

"You want to go with me to Starbucks for a little bit and read?"
"Not really."
"What about just to get a coffee and come home?"
"Not really."
"I actually wasn't asking...I was actually saying, 'Please come with me to Starbucks for a little date.'"
"Oh--well in that case, I would love to."

It's amazing how I can look at my husband and suggest that he want to do something and wait for him to want to do it, instead of saying, "Please do this with me, because it would mean a lot."

So we went to Starbucks, and I read about the first century Christian church...while Clay read Jesus for President by Shane Claiborne. One of my former YD girls was there. I hadn't seen her for about a year--and I was so happy to see her.

Probably one of my favorite time periods in my life ever was back in the day when Renee and I would make pilgrimages to The Jumping Bean in Taylor's student union...grab a booth...and spend the night studying, talking with passersby and drinking coffee. For a few minutes tonight, I embraced a past-life I have loved, and I am very happy to be returning to coffee shops to study. I feel like school is already helping me to become more of myself...

The Internet is like, a whole new world

On Tuesday, I went down to Fuller Theological Seminary's Northwest Extension Campus (located very close to this spot right here--in the Queen Anne are of Seattle...isn't Seattle beautiful?)

I registered for my one Graduate Class (Early Church History - CH500) and learned how to use Portico, the school's internal web for students and faculty.

Let me tell you what--in the nine years since I started school in 1999, like, school is a whole new thing.

Not entirely new, but, in 1999, I was just introduced to Power Point, and I was still using my very first hotmail account. In 2008, my school email is a Google Application and I can pay my tuition through EFT or get miles on my Southwest Visa. My class syllabus is a Word Document I download from the Class Webpage.

Gone are the days are waiting in the line at the Registrar's Office with your bubble sheet. Gone are the days of carrying around a floppy disk to print out your paper at the Library because your HP 660 ran out of toner. Gone are the days of camping out at the library to wait in line to use the research computers.

I can't imagine what it's like for y'all who return to school since the dawn of computers...I'm like, shocked enough. I can't wait to become Facebook friends with my professors!