Late Night Reflections on Learnings...

I started class #2 at Fuller: Medieval and Reformation History!  Woohoo!  Tonight we were talking about evangelizing the barbarians of the 8th century.  Argh...  During class, I contemplated whether or not it's okay to consider naming our first son Merovingian.  It seems like a good rugged manly name, and apparently bears a connotation with a "long-haired king."  (Why, hello Aragorn.)  

Tonight in class, I discovered that it's difficult to listen to your professor talk about the Benedictines when you're simultaneously watching updates on the final minutes of the Fiesta Bowl on your computer.  (It helped that there were a few Texas fans in the room to pass secret scowls and cheers to in the midst of the lecture...but it was hard to focus on the part of the lecture I was most interested in when I was also waiting to see if Texas had scored a touchdown with :16 on the clock.  Gah!)  

Lately, unrelated to class, Clay and I have been reading The Emotionally Healthy Church.  Clay recommended we read this book together after we had a conversation about wanting to be connected on a deeper emotional level. (A shout out to Duane and DeJon for introducing it to him!)  While it might seem odd to read a book about creating a healthy church in order to improve marital health...it's actually not.  Why?  Because the health of our church is a symptom of the health of the people in the church.  So--this book is pretty much all about things you can ask yourself in a quest to become a more healthy person--and thus able to serve God better in ministry.

Clay and I often question our value based on how we're feeling that particular day about our effectiveness and involvement in our ministries.  To now step back and evaluate ourselves not by the external measurables, but about the health of our own hearts, is pretty radical.  When we actually stop to examine every single defense mechanism, coping strategy and crazy neurosis we do to get through our day, it's pretty incredible to see what hurting and broken people we really are--and how that holds us back from really loving others as well as we could.

The book revealed to me that my biggest area of growth is needed in living in more brokenness and vulnerability.  The funny part is that if I had read through the list before taking the helpful little survey, I would have picked it out of the bunch.  The book is allowing me to take a candle to the dark caverns of my heart and begin to sweep out the cobwebs.  Lately, I've been able hear that extra snap in my voice, to hear that burst to want to insert my two cents into the dialogue, to quickly step up and correct someone for mispronouncing a word..and I think, "Wow...I'm so, so afraid of appearing weak...what is going on in my heart that's led me to this place?"  

I'm claimed 2009 as the year of health.  Emotional health, spiritual health, physical health.  I don't want to go anywhere special or do anything grand...I just want to be more healthy...less afraid of my own shortcomings...more authentic about my own brokenness...more able to recognize where I've failed.    

I pray that 2009 has good and wonderful things in store for you as well!  

Small Town Coffee Date

Tonight, I asked my husband out for a coffee date. It went kind of like this:

"You want to go with me to Starbucks for a little bit and read?"
"Not really."
"What about just to get a coffee and come home?"
"Not really."
"I actually wasn't asking...I was actually saying, 'Please come with me to Starbucks for a little date.'"
"Oh--well in that case, I would love to."

It's amazing how I can look at my husband and suggest that he want to do something and wait for him to want to do it, instead of saying, "Please do this with me, because it would mean a lot."

So we went to Starbucks, and I read about the first century Christian church...while Clay read Jesus for President by Shane Claiborne. One of my former YD girls was there. I hadn't seen her for about a year--and I was so happy to see her.

Probably one of my favorite time periods in my life ever was back in the day when Renee and I would make pilgrimages to The Jumping Bean in Taylor's student union...grab a booth...and spend the night studying, talking with passersby and drinking coffee. For a few minutes tonight, I embraced a past-life I have loved, and I am very happy to be returning to coffee shops to study. I feel like school is already helping me to become more of myself...

The Engagement

I now have a fiance! It is true! And Clay now has a fiancee!

The fact that Clay moved up here to be with me in Washington in September seemed to tip off 95% of our close friends and families off that something serious was going on...but it didn't become official until December 27th, 2007.

Clay and I were in Texas in the midst of a hectic week. We'd been in North Carolina for my brother's wedding, driven back to Ohio to celebrate Christmas with my family, flown to San Antonio to celebrate Christmas with Clay's family, and were preparing for Clay's sister's wedding. For our second evening in Texas, Clay said, "Let's get away and have a date night." He had no problem convincing me!

"Where do you want to go?" I asked.

He replied, "How about Austin." Oooh this guy knows the key to my heart. Austin is where Clay and I met at the National Youth Worker's Convention in Fall 2006. We hadn't return to Austin since our initial meeting, but it's only a 90-minute or so drive from his parents' home in San Antonio. I was eager to take a sentimental journey of all the places we'd hung out on that first meeting.

So we hopped in the car and drove into downtown Austin on Cesar Chavez Drive. We headed straight to Waterloo Records and Book People, fantastic independent stores we'd spent hours in during Quasi-Date #2. When it was time for dinner, I again asked, "Where do you want to go?"

Clay responded, "Let's go to Threadgill's." Again, he knows the keys to my heart. I agreed, and we went to eat dinner at the restaurant/concert venue that sparked our first meeting of Not-Really-Even-A-Quasi-Date #1. We enjoyed a very home-cooked vegetable platter. And afterwards, we wanted to walk out to the Congress Street Bridge (aka the Bat Bridge)...which is where we officially first met, on our way to the Eliza Gilkyson concert at Threadgill's.

So--we walked out to the bridge, excited to be at "the spot" where we met. As we neared the middle of the bridge, we picked a spot next to a pole that had a Christmasy/guitar-type decoration attached to it. We're obviously not confident that this was "the spot." But it seemed as good as any other spot on the bridge. At this point, I was just ahead of Clay. I turned around to hug him, but he was already down on one knee. He said some nice things that neither of us really remember and pulled a ring out of his man-bag. I'm confident that at some point in there, he said he wanted to marry me, and I responded with, "Yes, I would love to marry you."

And there it was. He slipped the ring on my finger, and we went from being non-engaged to engaged.

We continued our walk on the bridge and had a celebratory dessert at TGI Friday's, which we had also originally visited during Quasi-Date #2. What amazed me was that when one goes from being non-engaged to engaged, the world does not actually stop turning on its axis, a corps of singer/dancers does not emerge to throw confetti into the air, and millions of doves do not fly in front of you, foreshadowing a spectacular fireworks display. It was all very normal. For the rest of the world, they wouldn't have really known that our lives were changing in that moment.

So now, Clay and I are engaged. We're getting married in Ohio on August 2, 2008, a mere 6 1/2 months from today. I looked the definition of engagement up on Wikipedia and discovered that engagements began so that people could have time to figure out if there were any "legitimate impediments" to this marriage. So, if you know of any of those, you're evidently supposed to let us know.

Thanks for journeying with us, and we'd appreciate your prayers over these next 7 months!

P.S. For those of you who wish to know if I was surprised, I will say, "Moderately so." Clay and I had already looked at rings, but I had no reason to suspect he'd have a ring by Christmas. He hadn't done much to tip me off during our date to Austin, mostly because he was so nonchalant all day. The only thing that tipped me off was his Jack Bauer man-bag, which he rarely carries unless we're going someplace to sit and read. I figured the only reason he'd have the man-bag was if he was carrying something special in it...which turned out to be true. I was still pretty surprised when he pulled out a ring, and so glad that Clay knows me well enough to know exactly how I'd hoped he'd propose.

A Tale of God's Goodness

Here's the scenario:

1. Boy and girl meet at concert in Texas.
2. Boy and girl exchange numbers and fly back to home states (Arizona and Washington).
3. Boy and girl talk and develop relationship. Start dating long-distance.
4. Youth pastor at girl's church leaves.
5. Boy and girl fly back and forth across country for weekend visits several times.
6. Boy says he'd like to move to Washington to "take the next step."
7. Boy and girl pray and make plans for boy to move. Think about pertinent details like job, place to live, etc.
8. Five months after youth pastor at girl's church left, spot is still open.
9. Boy and girl start praying about this job. Think (maybe) this is the right fit.
10. Boy talks to church.
11. Church offers boy an interview.
12. Interview goes really well.
13. Boy and girl wait to hear what's up.
14. Boy continues making plans to move, regardless of whether or not job pans out.
15. Church offers job to boy. Job conveniently located at church girl has been attending and volunteering with for three years. Church blesses boy and girl with generous offer.
16. Boy and girl praise God that he knit together details of move, job, youth pastor search, relationship into one tidy action.
17. Boy moves. New life begins.

Existential Week!

It's existential week here in hmb-land. This morning I woke up in bed, panicked because I'm subsisting on the American status quo. I have a down comforter, a nice house to live in, an array of strip malls within driving distance, a fossil fuel-mobile, and 50-60 more years of life to figure out how to fill.

Life is this really unique blend of good and stressful right now. Clay is moving to Washington in about 61 days (he'll arrive approximately September 8th, job and residence are pending). I'm applying to an online graduate program. I'm editing an essay I wrote for an anthology about girls growing up in the church. I made a cheesecake.

But as Clay and I look at our lives together in Washington over the next few years, I'm tormented with complete Wanderlust...wanting to get out and go and have excitement and adventure. It's odd when the place of adventure (Washington) becomes the normal...and for this moment, at 12:17pm on Monday morning, I just want to get out and be on a beach in Fiji or snorkeling in Australia or on a peak in the Himalayas...and I want to know more about what I'm passionate about. I want to know how to fill my weekends in a way that doesn't involve hitting play on the DVD player so much.

This weekend I made a cheesecake...and some seafood linguine...and a chicken dijon panini...maybe I'll explore my love for cooking this week--create some dishes that would appeal to the well-traveled...and maybe my existential crisis will subsist for the time being.

"I'm Fixin' To": An introductory Guide to Texas

From May 9th-14th, I visited the Lone Star State. The intent of this trip was to meet Clay's family and attend Clay's sister's college graduation from Abilene Christian University. This was only my second trip to Texas ever. (The first trip was last October for the Youth Specialties' Convention in Austin, when I met Clay.) So--this was my first real immersion into Texas culture.

To capture an entire state in one blog based on a 6-day visit seems rather ridiculous...so I'll merely give you the Texas Top 5...which is definitely the Top 5 conclusions I deduced about Texans based on my observations of the state.

1. Texans love their state flag.
   
   Seriously...I'm telling you...the state flag is everywhere and on everything. My absolute favorite Texas- flag- themed item I saw for sale was this snazzy desk chair in Abilene. Who would not want to sing Deep in the Heart of Texas everyday at work when sitting in one of these?!
   
   While eating lunch in Fredericksburg, TX, I swear to you I saw no less than a hundred Texan flags hanging from businesses on the main drag. I suppose this would not seem so odd if any of the other three states I've lived in loved their flag this much. But Texas is the only state I know of that has a Pledge of Allegiance to its state flag, so at least there is consistency to the passion.
   
   So, FYI, Texans love their state flag.
   
   
   
2. Texans love their state history.
   
   They love it so much, that there are markers posted approximately every fifty feet that recount important historical events which may have happened on this exact spot. Here, Clay shows off the very marker that commemorates the first railroad across West Texas. It would certainly be an impressive collector's item to visit all of the significant railroad-related Texas State history markers. In fact, I have just added this to my to-do list!
   
   
   
   
   
3. Texans love tortilla soup.
   
   I had never before in my life eaten tortilla soup, but I think I ate it once per day on my visit to Texas. When I heard "tortilla soup" I was thinking it would look like a can of tomato soup poured over top of a tortilla. This was not true. It actually looked like this. Tortilla soup is the best-dressed soup I've ever seen. It gets an A+++ for presentation and an A+++ for taste. My newest favorite food!
   
   
   
4. Texans believe their state to be really, really important.
   
   I hesitate to be so brash as to generalize to say that Texans have a warped view of geography...but this photo from a children's book that I've loosely titled, Indoctrination to the Superiority of All Things Texan should speak for itself:
   
   
   
   The state is really large, this is true. I mean, in the time I can be in California, you can drive from east Texas to central Texas. But seriously, this map is OUT OF CONTROL! Look! Texas basically goes from Mexico to North Dakota and from San Bernadino to Alabama. What is going on?! This is not an accurate depiction of reality!
   
   Our trainer on our new database who is from Dallas claims that this is evidence of Texans poking fun at themselves. I call it infantile brainwashing! Beware!
   
   
5. Texans are people too.
   
   So while in general I'm confused about the Texans' love for Texas, I enjoyed my time spent meeting and interacting with Texans. Every Texan I met was friendly and more than excited that I was visiting their state. And, they have nice accents. Also, I ate some fantastic food while I was there (ribs, BBQ, tortilla soup, enchiladas, horchata) meaning that Texans are good cooks, which speaks to my soul's core.
   
   It's definitely true that with all the crazy indoctrination, Texans grow up to be real people (i.e. Clay and family...although maybe I'm biased). It's also true that every state has its own quirks (i.e. Ohio's passionate love for a poisonous nut or North Webster, Indiana's Mermaid Festival or eco-friendly Seattle's aversion to mass transit).
   
   So I'm probably willing to let Texas off the hook if they are willing to put actual maps into their children's books and occasionally imply that there are other states besides Texas.
   

One thing that is not true about Texas--all of my exes do not live there. But the sage in bloom is like perfume...

Tiptoeing Through the Tulips: Mount Vernon in April

I'm going to go out on a limb and clue you into an assumption you're free to make: if your out-of-state boyfriend flies up to Washington to visit you three times in three months, it's getting serious.

Clay came up to visit again this weekend, using some well-earned days off to tiptoe through the tulips with me. I'm not joking when I use that cliche...actually, as you can see here, Clay in particular did more than tiptoe:



Our weekend together began with an extremely intense game of Cranium with ten or so of my favorite Washington friends, in which all of the following truths were discovered:
1. adding hot water to Cranium clay does not make it pliable, even if the clay is being fixed by a man named Clay.
2. doodling while blind is not necessarily easier even if you're half-blind already.
3. trying to act out "mermaid" while on dry land more closely resembles bungee jumping or epilepsy that it does "scaled woman of the sea." (see MerEsther, to your left.)

Regardless, as is always the case in Cranium, a good time was had by all, and no one is 100% sure what the official rules of the game are. Thanks to Jade, Jed, Rider, Esther, Lizzy, Bethany, Zach, C, Becca, and Heidi for a fantastic game night.

Another highlight of the weekend was discovering that the Skagit Valley Co-op is one of the most amazing places in the entire world. First of all, their fresh-made sandwiches and soups are to die for, second of all, the atmosphere is killer, and third of all, Clay and I were able to sit in the upstairs mezzanine near the "Mercantile Shop" and read without distraction for several hours. It's pretty much the most fantastic thing in the world to realize I can shop local, get food I love, purchase coffee and chai, and have a great place to read all in the same spot. And Clay thinks it's the best place in the world to be also, so it's definitely convenient to be able to share it.

A definite weekend highlight was visiting the nearby tulip fields. Every April, the Skagit Valley (where I live) bursts out into full-colored tulips. This field we're standing in front of represents one of about 30 or so fields of tulips and daffodils that erupt every April. People go crazy for these flowers, hopping on busses to visit them, spending exhorbatant amounts of money on local tulip art. And--it's like an official rite of passage if you live in/near the valley you must get your picture taken in a tulip field. So--I am an official resident of the Skagit Valley as a direct result of this photo. And--I officially dedicate this photo to Renee, who has taught me 90% of what I know about what it means to be Dutch and what it means to celebrate the birth of tulips each spring.

We also finally watched Blood Diamond, which I'd been wanting to see for ages. Fantastic performances from Leo and Djimon Hounsou. Movies like this and The Constant Gardener have been reminding me lately how I do dearly love Africa and am definitely not doing enough to advocate for better approaches by the West towards Africa.

Both of these films are good introductory education for westerners on how African civil wars are impacted by the diamond trade and how Western countries exploit Africa for profit. Here's an article from the UN about conflict diamonds, which I strongly recommend you read through and educate yourself on before you purchase your next diamond. I've also heard recommendations from various sources to check into Canadian diamonds, as they are definitely conflict-free.

So. I hope you glean something in there that's good information for a Monday afternoon. If not, at minimum, here's some new wallpaper for your computer. I invite you to become a part of Clay and I's community of prayer as we tiptoe into figuring out how to share life and move towards a future together, whatever that's going to look like:

Why is there not a better title for this entry than There and Back Again?

I've just returned from a formative trip--one that makes me feel like at the end of the trip, I've arrived back at the same place to find that everything is different.

My 9-day trip across the Southwest started last Sunday. It was preceded by a day of visiting with Hannah and Jon, who flew out to Washington on their spring break. We celebrated their visit by eating lots of good food, watching Arrested Development, and going to bed early.

Early Sunday morning I was off to Palm Springs, California, which is the brainchild of some creative capitalist who decided the best place for a bunch of green golf courses is the middle of the desert. Palm Springs is a nice town, though. On the way there, we enjoyed a breezy 2-hour drive from Ontario, in which we could intake all the beautiful graffiti that lines I-10 through San Bernadino.

My five days in Palm Springs were to attend the Christian Management Association (CMA) Conference. It was fantastic! I listened to great talks from Dr. Henry Cloud, Gordon MacDonald, Patrick Lencioni, and Priscilla Evans Shirer. I attended workshops about Financial Development and Marketing. And I enjoyed a lot of QT with the other YD leaders. In fact, beyond the info I was gathering, that was the best part of the whole week--the informal time with my coworkers, talking about the future of YD and the excitement and tension about change. I definitely got to know everyone a lot better, and a lot of trust was built. (As I like to say--relational equity.)

After five days of filling my brain with work-related brainstorms, I said goodbye to California and headed east to Arizona.

Clay met me at the rental car drop-off at Sky Harbor, and we went to visit Drew, Lisa and Justin, Taylor friends who live in Phoenix. We enjoyed a fantastic rooftop dinner at sunset in downtown Scottsdale...and if we would have desired to purchase a buffalo head for the living room wall, our dreams could have certainly come true. We enjoyed great food, fondue, and fun conversation. And I ate a lot of queso...which was so good to eat and so sad to say goodbye to after I'd eaten it all.

During our fantastic 24 hours in Phoenix with the aformentioned Drew, Lisa, and Justin, we also had coffee with my friend Laura from TU Admissions, and enjoyed a raucous afternoon with the amazingly talented Karaoke Trio of Tim, Jennifer, and Frenchy. (Apart from our visit highlight, which included Jennifer spilling gallons of Horchata smoothie all over the Gas Station Slushie aisle, we were introduced to SingShot, an online community for karaoke lovers.)

Then, Clay and I headed to Tucson so I could meet his life. During the three days in Tucson, I met lots of fun peeps from Clay's church, saw the sunrise over Tucson from a viewpoint on Mt. Lemmon, had my first Eegee, explored 4th Avenue and dined at Caruso's, drove past the US Air Force Airplane Graveyard, and saw a lot of the sun and cacti.

The weekend in Tucson was fabulous...I got a lot of confirmation about Clay and I's relationship just as a result of meeting other people who are friends with Clay...in fact, it was all so fabulous, that when I got off the plane in dreary Seattle yesterday, I began crying about stupid things. (Things like missing the airport shuttle the first time it came and forgetting to take the West Seattle exit.) I think this is a testament to missing the sun, having the letdown of coming home after a fabulous trip, being alone on the car ride home, and being really sad that after 5 days with Clay, I had once again said goodbye.

So I arrive home after nine days with a lot of confidence...I'm confident in my personal relationship with the Lord...I'm confident that I enjoy my job immensely...I'm confident that Clay and I belong together...and I'm confident that what this world needs is more online karaoke and Horchata smoothie.

Life is very, very good.

Post #500: A Fresh Start

I've decided that my infrequent blogging is a result of one very basic thing: my job is not that interesting to write about anymore. I mean, that's not 100% true...I think my job is fantastic...and I'm loving learning about leadership, communications, marketing, etc...but unfortunately, I don't think that this information is interesting to most of my readers. This has become apparent over the last few months when I see a glazed over look in a friend's eye as I talk about "categorizing donors" or "updating promotional materials."

And I could talk about what YD is doing ministry-wide that's really exciting, but that's what all the print/video/web materials I'm producing are for...

So, I've decided, on post #500 to reinvent the blog...no longer as a YD-centric blog, but as my own blog, which may at times be ministry-centric, but most the time it probably won't.

And now I'm searching for a core purpose for said blog... here's a list of potential purposes:

--for my own vain need to say things outloud.
--to entertain.
--to educate.
--to give you a break from the work day.
--to keep friends and family updated on my life.
--to get in a daily habit of writing.
--to keep my family updated with new photos of me and boyfriend.
--to become a nationally recognized writer via blog.
--to offer links to cool places on the web, such as this.

I don't really have a lot of direction, so, if you're currently reading the blog, I'd like some feedback on what keeps you reading--is it a good laugh, is it fun links, is it interesting insights, is it photos from Clay's Valentine's visit (oh! one of those on the right!) What keeps you coming?

Please post a comment, even if you're not normally a commenter...inquiring minds want to know...and I want to know what you want before I re-start my posting.

Gracias!

Introducing...boyfriend...

So. The super Ms. Independent Heathermbaker now has a boyfriend...and apparently when it comes to the idea of boyfriend, I feel this incessent need to refer to myself in third person... (Don't deconstruct that too much. It's probably simply because the whole idea of it is so foreign to me...since the last time I used that term on a consistent basis I had the suffix 'teen' in my age.) So--I'd like to introduce you to the newest person in my life, who's apt to be make appearances on the blog from time-to-time...Clay...

Clay and I met back in October at the Austin YS Convention. You might remember this brief story...if not...you can read it here. We met as a result of a bulletin board ad Clay had posted in the Convention foyer looking for fellow concert goers to see an Alt-Country act at a local venue. I saw the ad late on a Friday night and called him because I wanted something fun to do and wanted to see live music in Austin. Fifteen minutes later we met on the Congress Bridge over the Colorado River in downtown Austin and spent 2 1/2 hours enjoying good music and great conversation. We clicked right away that first night...and Clay asked me to hang out again a few nights later.

Those two nights were so fantastic that we decided to keep in touch when he returned to his home in Tucson, AZ and I returned to my home here...we stayed connected through email and phone...and over the next two months the frequency of those emails and phone calls increased. In November, Clay asked me if he could come visit in January...so...he booked a ticket, and this weekend, he came.

We were definitely both excited and nervous about seeing each other again...I mean, seriously, what if those two evenings in Austin were a fluke? We didn't really think they were...but it was hard to be sure when we were having hard times remember what the other person looked like. So...on Wednesday I picked Clay up from the airport. At first it was a bit shocking to see him and think, "I remember you. I met you in Texas three months ago," trying to mesh the person in front of me with the person I knew so well over the phone lines.

It only took a few short hours to get used to the idea of being in the same room as each other...and by Thursday, it felt like sharing life together was completely normal. We tooled around my favorite Washington spots (Deception Pass and Pike Place Market). We spent time with lots of my friends (Heidi, Sarah, Miranda, Jenny, Zach, Cordell, Erin, Shaffer Wafer, Jade, Caedmon Rider, Lizzy, my Coworkers). We went grocery shopping (which is as close to visiting my home as we can get right now). We went out on a schmancy date. And it all felt so natural and good. By the time he left on Saturday, it was hard to say goodbye because it so felt like he belonged here.

But he did leave, which was really, really hard. Right now our lives are centered in two places that happen to be 1,700 miles apart. Although I'm not happy about that, but I'm at peace about it...it's the way things are right now. And even in being 1,700 miles apart, sharing life is so good. So...we're relying on God's grace and mercy...and continuing to pursue a relationship...refining the pieces of ourselves we can work on while we're apart...and waiting...it all feels very much like a beginning.

That's my story...and that's Clay--a good man...a youth minister in Tucson who grew up in Texas, spent his college years studying about ministry and theater, and loves pretty much everything I love (except for American Idol). He's sweet, funny, encouraging, and is beginning to challenge and refine me in unexpected ways. I'm very excited to introduce him to you.