I started class #2 at Fuller: Medieval and Reformation History! Woohoo! Tonight we were talking about evangelizing the barbarians of the 8th century. Argh... During class, I contemplated whether or not it's okay to consider naming our first son Merovingian. It seems like a good rugged manly name, and apparently bears a connotation with a "long-haired king." (Why, hello Aragorn.)
Tonight in class, I discovered that it's difficult to listen to your professor talk about the Benedictines when you're simultaneously watching updates on the final minutes of the Fiesta Bowl on your computer. (It helped that there were a few Texas fans in the room to pass secret scowls and cheers to in the midst of the lecture...but it was hard to focus on the part of the lecture I was most interested in when I was also waiting to see if Texas had scored a touchdown with :16 on the clock. Gah!)
Lately, unrelated to class, Clay and I have been reading The Emotionally Healthy Church. Clay recommended we read this book together after we had a conversation about wanting to be connected on a deeper emotional level. (A shout out to Duane and DeJon for introducing it to him!) While it might seem odd to read a book about creating a healthy church in order to improve marital health...it's actually not. Why? Because the health of our church is a symptom of the health of the people in the church. So--this book is pretty much all about things you can ask yourself in a quest to become a more healthy person--and thus able to serve God better in ministry.
Clay and I often question our value based on how we're feeling that particular day about our effectiveness and involvement in our ministries. To now step back and evaluate ourselves not by the external measurables, but about the health of our own hearts, is pretty radical. When we actually stop to examine every single defense mechanism, coping strategy and crazy neurosis we do to get through our day, it's pretty incredible to see what hurting and broken people we really are--and how that holds us back from really loving others as well as we could.
The book revealed to me that my biggest area of growth is needed in living in more brokenness and vulnerability. The funny part is that if I had read through the list before taking the helpful little survey, I would have picked it out of the bunch. The book is allowing me to take a candle to the dark caverns of my heart and begin to sweep out the cobwebs. Lately, I've been able hear that extra snap in my voice, to hear that burst to want to insert my two cents into the dialogue, to quickly step up and correct someone for mispronouncing a word..and I think, "Wow...I'm so, so afraid of appearing weak...what is going on in my heart that's led me to this place?"
I'm claimed 2009 as the year of health. Emotional health, spiritual health, physical health. I don't want to go anywhere special or do anything grand...I just want to be more healthy...less afraid of my own shortcomings...more authentic about my own brokenness...more able to recognize where I've failed.
I pray that 2009 has good and wonderful things in store for you as well!
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