Lifestyle Changes

I've decided not to go back to Seminary next quarter, mostly because it was cutting into my knitting time.

It was only a few weeks into this quarter when I realized, "This isn't working. I don't care how much aptitude I have to think critically about theological issues, I want to knit and do yoga. I want to spend Friday afternoons going to the Record Store with my husband, and I want to have space in my life to plan meals and buy groceries."

I realized a long time ago that the things I was good at didn't necessarily correlate to things I was energized by. I remember the first week of Junior Year of High School when I sat down with the Guidance Counselors, telling them that I didn't care how much aptitude I had in Advanced Biology, I hated it. They let me switch into Philosophy and Psychology under the auspices that I would be prevented from being valedictorian due to the heavy weighting the sciences received in determining class rank. But Philosophy class introduced me to writing, and the written word turned out to be a more integral part of my life than the dissection of fetal pigs was ever bound to be. For so many reasons, that was a good decision.

It's taken me just 6 months of taking classes to realize what I couldn't in 7 years of speculating about Grad School: it's not what I want right now. It's so weird, too, because I'm good at school. I can do school well...but I don't like who I become when I'm in school. I get bogged down by the pressure of the deadlines, and there is no space in my life to be the kind of person I want to be: creative, loving, and full of life.

Clay and I were just talking last night and realized that we've allowed our schedule to grow to the point that between the two of us, we have early morning commitments 5 days a week and evening commitments 6 days a week... Some of those are meetings, some of those are church commitments, some of those are weekly scheduled "fun time" with friends or students... Regardless, our schedule is running us, and there's little space for spontaneity. We want this to change, and step one is definitely me stepping out of school for the time being. Step two, three and four are TBA.

I feel like as American Christians we have to constantly traverse against the tide of busyness and clutter towards contemplation and space. In Clay and I's pursuit of the Lord, we need more space in our lives to be filled by Him. We need more space to walk through life together. Thus we move towards it.

Move Aside Celine.

Clay and I are sitting here on the couch, and I've experienced a bit of a resurgence of musical appreciation, something that's apparently and unfortunately diminished over the last many months of commuting and listening to NPR for about an hour everyday. (Although I'm now very well informed about things like, the architectural design of the Denver Art Museum, the call of Sandpiper, and the cost of weatherizing your house, all of which is very good information to have.)

Anyways, my musical renaissance was inspired, most ironically, last night by Allison Iraheta's knock-me-out-of-my-chair performance of amazingness on American Idol, with a cover of Heart's Alone: Watch it. Tonight, I downloaded it, and the original, and like, every cover version I could find...and I'm like, "How have I never loved this song before?" Like, I've missed out on 20 years of loving this song. No more. No more missing out.

Space for Creativity

Recently, Pilgrim at Lake Michigan wrote a blog that's stuck with me, about taking your creativity on a date.

I've been wanting a creative space of my own, pretty much forever--a space that would foster creative energy. In Fall 2005, when I found myself with a 2-bedroom apartment all to myself, I had this dream of making the 2nd bedroom into "The Studio," my creative space for knitting, songwriting, journaling, bookmaking, etc. It never really happened.

Sometime that year, SuzPT gave me a copy of Virginia Woolf's A Room of One's Own, where Woolf expands on her premise, "A woman must have money and a room of her own if she is to write fiction." Again, I found myself longing for a room just for writing.

Lately, with work, marriage, school, and church, I find myself wedging out both exercise and creativity, and because of this, I feel spiritually and emotionally drained a lot. I have no space in my current life for creative pursuits. When I think of Eden, I think of how the Lord gave us a place designed for exploration and creativity.

Lord, I long for Eden...I long for a holy space...I long for a place of my own--where there is quiet and where there is space for creativity.

What's gotta give to make that happen?

28 Memories from 28 Years

I just celebrated my 28th birthday last week, and in honor of that, here are 28 great memories.

1.   The time I met my future husband on a bridge in Austin, Texas.

2.   The time Pam Shaffer and I went to Ikea.

3.   The time my brother and I drove across the country and went to the Spam Museum, the Corn Palace, Mount Rushmore, and the Devil's Tower.

4.   The time Suzanne, Renee and I drove my blue Sunfire to Florida and back for Spring Break, writing haikus, going bowling, and singing a lot of bad country songs.

5.   The time we played spoons (the card game) as a family and Sandy kept insisting on going everywhere dressed as Belle from Beauty and the Beast.

6.   The time we played football on Thanksgiving and made the Casey Cup out of crap we found in the attic.

7.   The time we did a talent show in the midst of the Annual TU New Year's Extravaganza.

8.  The time Havaleh, Syvisoi and I went to Youth Jam and we sat in the hallway of the hotel charging a toll to walk down the hall.  I think we made $1.20.  I also think I was embarrassed when this guy Chris asked me to dance.

9.   The time Hannah, Andy, Levi, Ruth, Christine and I stayed at that really cool hotel in Watamu, Kenya with the balcony, and we ran into the Fulbright Scholar Butterfly scientist while out for samosas one night.

10. The time Paul, Joel, Drew, Sheila and Ruth dumped 10 gallons of water on me in honor of my 21st birthday.

11.  The time after Beth and Noah's wedding, when I was trying to help clean up the church and kept running around frantically saying, "Does anyone know how to dispose of the body and blood of Christ?"

12.  The time Clay, Sarah, Dan, DeJon, and I drove up to Austin to see the Old 97's, and we accidentally got to see Billy Harvey open the show.

13.  The time Sean and I wandered around Vegas together in the middle of the night, taking random photographs and singing Kenny Rogers songs.

14.  All the times I had parties during Senior Year of High School and kept accidentally inviting like, 50 people.  Oh yeah, and the incredible skittle wars.

15.  The time my friends threw me a Bridal Shower that included making Play-Doh sculptures and finger painting under the auspices of the theme, "Play with Clay."

16.  The time that the whole wedding party broke out into choreographed dance at Chris and Janelle's wedding reception.

17.  The time Danara, Don King, and I got free tacos and red-pepper name badges from "Brian" at the Taco Bell/KFC in North Webster, Indiana.

18.  The time Renee came out to visit Washington on a 1-day's notice.

19.  The time Pam, Renee and I surprised Beth with a Bridal Shower and caught it all on videotape, which we almost recorded overtop of Beth's Senior Recital.

20.  The time I sent flowers to Beth in the hospital after she had Lily, and the card on the flowers read, "Love Angie Heather," instead of "Love Auntie Heather."  

21.  All the times that Hannah, Andy, Levi and I used to hang out with Dr Bennett and Justin and Imani in Nairobi.

22.  All the times I used to go to record shows with Dad and sit under the tables while he wheeled and dealed.

23.  The time Mom, Dad, Sean and I were at the Scott Antique Show and discovered a Beatles' Record Player marked down to 1/4 its value.

24.  The time I got crowned the "King of Janelle's Heart" during a mystery kisser game at her Bridal Shower.  (After 5 people, including her fiance, kissed her on the cheek, she had to guess which one was Chris, and she guessed me!)

25.  All the times Lynn and I used to sit in the galleria together, stalking "Mr. Inconspicuous" every MWF during Spring Semester 2001.

26.  All the times Renee and I used to pass notes back and forth while pretending to study in the student union.

27.  The time we visited Tulalip in honor of Clay's birthday and Stuart jumped in the fountain.

28.  The time Sean, Rachael and I saw the zombies march down the streets of Vancouver.

The Great Flood 2009!

I felt very much like a pioneer on my way to work this morning. My normal route, taking State Route 531 to Interstate 5 was closed because the mighty Stillaguamish had overtaken it...once again inching towards the O'Brien Turkey House.

Ah-ha! I thought... I'll take State Route 9 north and sneak around a back road to cross the river. No success, because before I reached my "shortcut," the river stopped me. It was crossing State Route 9. All the minivans were lined up on the side of the road watching the monster trucks ford through it. I paused and recounted my days of crossing rivers on the Oregon Trail, debating, "Do I attempt to ford the river?"

And then I remembered how devastated I always was on the Oregon Trail when I forded the river, but we were swept downstream and lost 4 boxes of ammunition, 8 sets of clothes, and 100 pounds of food. So...watching all the big trucks from my much-lower vantage point in my Pontiac Sunfire Coupe SE, I did the wisest thing I could think of: turn around.

This involved driving about 5 miles out of my way to the Smokey Point exit, south of Arlington...then of course, I headed north again, this time "safely" on Interstate 5. When I arrived at Exit 208 (my normal route), the on-ramp was swamped and the river was ever-so-gently giving the interstate a hug. (Not surprising though, there was still a brave line of people waiting to buy cigarettes at the Stilly Smoke Shop.)

I successfully completed my drive, thankful that the northern roads have cleared up enough that hydroplaning is no longer an ever-present risk.

Happy Flood 2009! (There's a great photo of Haller Park in Arlington at the Seattle Times.)

Late Night Reflections on Learnings...

I started class #2 at Fuller: Medieval and Reformation History!  Woohoo!  Tonight we were talking about evangelizing the barbarians of the 8th century.  Argh...  During class, I contemplated whether or not it's okay to consider naming our first son Merovingian.  It seems like a good rugged manly name, and apparently bears a connotation with a "long-haired king."  (Why, hello Aragorn.)  

Tonight in class, I discovered that it's difficult to listen to your professor talk about the Benedictines when you're simultaneously watching updates on the final minutes of the Fiesta Bowl on your computer.  (It helped that there were a few Texas fans in the room to pass secret scowls and cheers to in the midst of the lecture...but it was hard to focus on the part of the lecture I was most interested in when I was also waiting to see if Texas had scored a touchdown with :16 on the clock.  Gah!)  

Lately, unrelated to class, Clay and I have been reading The Emotionally Healthy Church.  Clay recommended we read this book together after we had a conversation about wanting to be connected on a deeper emotional level. (A shout out to Duane and DeJon for introducing it to him!)  While it might seem odd to read a book about creating a healthy church in order to improve marital health...it's actually not.  Why?  Because the health of our church is a symptom of the health of the people in the church.  So--this book is pretty much all about things you can ask yourself in a quest to become a more healthy person--and thus able to serve God better in ministry.

Clay and I often question our value based on how we're feeling that particular day about our effectiveness and involvement in our ministries.  To now step back and evaluate ourselves not by the external measurables, but about the health of our own hearts, is pretty radical.  When we actually stop to examine every single defense mechanism, coping strategy and crazy neurosis we do to get through our day, it's pretty incredible to see what hurting and broken people we really are--and how that holds us back from really loving others as well as we could.

The book revealed to me that my biggest area of growth is needed in living in more brokenness and vulnerability.  The funny part is that if I had read through the list before taking the helpful little survey, I would have picked it out of the bunch.  The book is allowing me to take a candle to the dark caverns of my heart and begin to sweep out the cobwebs.  Lately, I've been able hear that extra snap in my voice, to hear that burst to want to insert my two cents into the dialogue, to quickly step up and correct someone for mispronouncing a word..and I think, "Wow...I'm so, so afraid of appearing weak...what is going on in my heart that's led me to this place?"  

I'm claimed 2009 as the year of health.  Emotional health, spiritual health, physical health.  I don't want to go anywhere special or do anything grand...I just want to be more healthy...less afraid of my own shortcomings...more authentic about my own brokenness...more able to recognize where I've failed.    

I pray that 2009 has good and wonderful things in store for you as well!  

Making Hay While the Snow Falls

Clay and I were pretty much trapped indoors for 6 days straight due to the endless onslaught of snow. (2 feet over the past week.) Today is our first day of freedom, and I'm relishing every minute of it: driving 70mph on the interstate, stopping at Starbucks, and loving my desk at work.

Yesterday was the real low point. We were putting chains on my car to drive to the Post Office, and I was frustrated beyond belief. For no apparent reason. And--I didn't want to do anything. Lethargy is apparently lethal!

Mostly I spent a lot of time knitting while Clay spent a lot of time reorganizing his "collectible card games." We also watched The Bourne Supremacy, The Bourne Ultimatum, Escape From New York, Under the Tuscan Sun, Minority Report and many episodes of Friends.

Here are some bi-products of my hundreds of hours indoors...some newly knitted armwarmers (out of a fine alpaca yarn, the purchase of which supported rural women in Uraguay) and an army of angsty gingerbread men! Praise the Lord that the roads are finally clear!

Snowed in...

For the 3rd day in a row, we've pretty much been snowed in at home. On Wednesday, I attempted to brave my 30 mile drive to work, with no success. I slid through an intersection near our apt, drove 20 mph on 50 mph State Highways, and arrived to the slow-movin I-5 only to begin fishtailing immediately. So I turned around and came back home to enjoy a day of warm soup and board games with Clay and Mom and Dad (who arrived just in time for snowstorm 2008).

I didn't even try to drive to work again yesterday.
And then today, I made another attempt, only to find the highway still snow-covered. No good!

The problem isn't necessarily the snow...it's that in Western Washington, there aren't enough snow plows to keep up with all the snow, and people are really uncomfortable driving in it, so they either drive reeeeally slow or get into lots of accidents.

Regardless, Clay continues to look around it all going, "This is CRAzy," while I am thinking back to J-Term at Taylor University so thankful that I don't have to trudge to Calculus class through 2 feet of snow drifts.

It's a snowy December in Western Washington with a most-probable White Christmas. I do not miss our usual grey/cold/rainy/dark December days...and thankfully, since Blockbuster and Safeway are a 10-minute walk from our house, we're likely to survive the storm.

OTR Live at Triple Door

I enjoy seeing Over the Rhine live in concert more than I enjoy most things in life. It's the little things really... melodic piano solos, an upright bass, and Karin's new outfit.

Over Thanksgiving weekend, we enjoyed an evening of Over the Rhine at the swanky Seattle venue, The Triple Door, which is part speakeasy, part dinner theater, and a little bit Disney World. It's fancy. A fall trek to Over the Rhine has become a bit of a thing...last September we took in two shows at Triple Door, and in November 2006, I managed to catch them at the Canal Street Tavern in Dayton, Ohio.

Every time I see Over the Rhine live, I end up connecting with a song I've heard a million times by hearing it in an entirely new way. This time, it was "Poughkeepsie," which touches me in a deep place every time I hear it...and "New Redemption Song" from Snow Angels...As I was sitting there, gently rocking back and forth and humming along to New Redemption Song, I knew it was my song for 2008...the one that will quantify what this year has meant to me. The lyrics are simple...but the music communicated so much power. I'm thankful for music, thankful that Karin and Linford continue making music after 20 years together, and thankful for the power of redemption...

New Redemption Song
(Words and Music: Detweiler)

Lord we need a new redemption song
Lord we’ve tried
It just seems to come out wrong
Won’t you help us please
Help us just to sing along
A new redemption song

Lord we need
A new redemption day
All our worries
Keep getting in the way

Won’t you help us please
Help us find the words to pray
To bring redemption day

A Trip to Visit the Sun

Clay and I joked about bringing all of our friends a souvenir back from Tucson--a picture of the sun. We never quite got around to it during our 3-day whirlwind to the sunny desert, where it's 75 degrees in the winter. But we did enjoy the sun and a lot of other great things.

Here are our top 5 take-aways of a memorable visit:

1. Friends. We spent time with the Kings, the Cummings, the Reminders, Tom and Vonnie, the PV Church of Christ youth group, Kendra, Amanda, Heather and Ben...not to mention a stop on the way back to the Phoenix airport to have lunch with Drew, Lisa and baby Micah. In all of this, I'm so thankful that through Christ we can have so many brothers and sisters in a place far away. We were filled with so much love and appreciation for these people, and I was thankful to have so many great conversations with the people that shaped Clay during his three years of ministry there. It's like I gained more understanding into who Clay has become by getting to know the people that have shaped him. Pretty cool.
   
   
2. Babies. During our trip, there were babies and toddlers everywhere. Clay spent a good hour playing ball with a 5-year-old and 2-year-old. He spent another good hour jumping on the trampoline with a 7-year-old and a 6-year-old. I spent time crawling around the floor with an 8-month-old and bouncing a 4-month-old on my knee. We realized we enjoy hanging out with kids, but they're messy and a lot of work, and we are not ready for them yet.
   
   
3. Cold Drinks. I feel that living in the Northwest gives you a greater sense of appreciation for the joys that coffee can bring to your life. In the same way, visiting the desert gives you a greater appreciation for cold drinks. Whether it's a slushee from Eegee's, some gelato, an iced tea, or a frappuccino, cold drinks don't taste any better than they do in Tucson.
   
   
4. Grass. You really start to miss grass when you don't see it. Everything in Tucson fades to this light browny-pink color, and there aren't any really rich colors around, especially green. Everyone's front yards are filled with nicely arranged tiny pink rocks. While in Tucson this go-around, we were both appreciative of how our quality-of-life is improved by something as simple as grass.
   
   
5. Closure. Clay has missed Tucson pretty much since he said goodbye in August 2007. He misses the sun, he misses the concerts, he misses Eegees, he misses his friends. In this visit, we were able to see that our Tucson friends are still very much our friends, and that he has made a big impact in the lives of the teens he worked with. In a way, it was like we finally received closure from Clay's departure in August 2007 while saying hello to the realization that these people are still connected to us in the present.