Life's Like an Hourglass Glued to the Table: Part 2.

This blog is dedicated to Renee, RedSuz, Lynn-rd, Ruthie, PamS, PamC, E-Hark, Adria, Danara, Sonja, Sarah, Heidi...Please join me for a movie night in my living room soon, and bring your own arsenal of throw pillows.

In case it hasn't been obvious, I have spent months trying to develop a vision and a passion for a direction in my life, and I'm not finding it. Last night, I had a mini-awakening while I was sprawled across the couch talking with Suzanne. Expressing myself in melodramatic honesty, (as I often do when interrupted from sullen, self-pitying solitude by a phone call from Suzanne) I cried out, "I DO have a life vision! It is to marry an attractive, intelligent man and decorate our house and make babies!!! [Long pause.] And I can't make that happen on my own! EUGHGHHH! [Long pause.] So...I keep trying to create a different life vision that I can do something about...and it's like saying, 'Hello heart's desire. Nice to see you. Can you please sit in the waiting room for an indefinite period of time while I ignore you and fill up my schedule with busywork.'"

Suzanne laughed and said, "Oh Heather. It's so true. You should write a book about it. And people would read it and love it, and it would give you purpose." Yay Suzanne.

So. I brooded on this thought all evening and ended up back on my couch fueling up with Jane Austen's Emma and Anna Nalick's Breathe, not feeling much better than I had before having my mini-awakening...because regardless...I was still home alone watching Jane Austen movies...and when this is now coupled with understanding that your heart's desires can only be assuaged on a Sunday evening in Arlington by watching some perfect-looking Hollywood couple hook-up, you scrunch up your face knowing that if you had the energy, you would throw pillows at the screen. (n.b. Is that why they're called 'throw pillows'?) Eugh.

THEN, this morning, I wake up feeling focused on my job, ready to greet the tasks in my week, and in general, more chipper than I've been in at least nine days! What in the WORLD?! I ask myself. I feel fine?! What is this about? I'm supposed to be sullen right now! I write better when I'm sullen! I don't want to be fine!!! I couldn't believe that all the feelings of frustration and emptiness had dissipated and I was ready to just go back to life. I found this to be extremely annoying.

I ask myself how it can possibly be that I can wake up and move on with life when I'll I've done is recognize what I find to be unsettling. How is that supposed to be inspiring or focusing in any way...

...unless...it's just that I can recognize that I have been dishonest in saying I have no life vision, because I do have one. It's just not one I can control...thus, I now hand it over to God and move on with the rest of my life. I realize that I have been unfulfilled not because of an undiscovered life vision, but because I haven't been embracing and accepting the one I do have...I have been suppressing it and ignoring it, trying to strive after some 'life vision' that's more palatable to the masses...or that's more palatable to me.

It doesn't make sense to me really. I have felt like a space cadet all week...and based on a few instances of incoherent sentences and random aloofness today, I am still a space cadet.

But. At least I know what I want for my life, as hard as it is for me to accept as an intelligent, independent 24-year-old living an adventurous life in an exotic locale. Lord, have mercy on me.