Using a machete to cut through red tape.

Since Christmas, I've been listening to the song "Short Skirt, Long Jacket" by Cake. The singer says that he's looking for a certain kind of girl, and one of her characteristics is being a girl "Who uses a machete, to cut her red tape."

Leela of Futurama using her machete to cut through red tape.

I sing that to myself a lot, and I love the imagery of being that girl, fighting for some cause, chaining myself to a bulldozer because I believe in it so much. Yesterday, I was lost in the symbolism of chaining myself to a bulldozer to protest the evil empire of the Car Insurance companies who have dictated that no one under the age of 25 can drive a corporate vehicle. My fellow staff members agreed that this is probably not as applicable of a tactic as it might be if they were trying to knock down a Native American totem pole or something.

Regardless--what I have learned about myself over the last few years, the last four years especially, is that I have really good ideas--but I'm terrified to communicate them. Basically--that there's not much in the world I would chain myself to a bulldozer over. I have lots of cool defense mechanisms to cover up for it--humor, especially. But when it comes down to being really vocal and really opinionated, I hate doing that. In my mind, I'm really vocal, but when I start communicating, I become very diplomatic (which makes me a good mediator), but it usually results in compromising the things that are important to me.

It's really only recently that I'm beginning to realize how destructive this self-protection is. Not only does it frustrate me because I don't get the things I want--it's not fair to the people with whom I am upset. I'm denying them the opportunity to make the situation better. I'm denying them my perspective. I'm denying them honest communication.

A few examples of times when it helps to be assertive:

• A few months ago, my chiropractor scolded me for not being more eager to assert myself. I'd been patiently waiting in his office for 20 minutes, and he didn't even know I was there. I consider this a virtue--patience, not being pushy, waiting...He came in saying, "why didn't you get one of the girls to get me? Next time, tell me you're here. It's a waste of your time if you don't." I sighed and said, "Yeah, I tend to be conflict avoidant." And he said, "Don't be. You're not being fair to yourself by not asking." And he was right. So tomorrow, I'm going to call his office to speak with him and say, "I have been overcharged $180. I shouldn't have to pay it, and here's why. Thank you for teaching me to speak up for myself."

• Today I asserted myself and approached my supervisor with what I thought would be 'conflict.' Turns out that what I call conflict is actually just 'honest communication.' We had the best conversation (about things that really matter) that we've had in months.
  

• Last week I had my roommate (who is a very confrontational, assertive woman) call Verizon and pretend to be me. She ended up getting me a $25 credit to cover the 50 extra daytime minutes I used last month.

I am learning. I am learning that good things come from being assertive. And my goal for the summer is to intentionally pursue being "short-skirt, long-jacket machete wielder." I like that girl. In my mind--that Heather is really cool. I want to be her.

I want a girl who gets up early
I want a girl who stays up late
I want a girl with uninterrupted prosperity
Who uses a machete, to cut her red tape

With fingernails that shine like justice
And a voice that is dark like tainted glass
She is fast, thorough, and sharp as a tack
She’s touring the facilities and picking up the slack
I want a girl with a short skirt and a long, long jacket