The Journey Through Orthodoxy.

Over the last few years, I've experienced a lot of restlessness in regards to the church. I'm someone who is very much a Christian and very much wanting to see a church of believers built up in unity, yet I constantly feel like I'm at odds with 'the church' because it never feels like it fits just right, and I want it to fit right. And I ask God if 'unity' means that it never fits quite right for each person, because we're all assimilating a bit, or if 'unity' means righting ourselves to Him so that we are all centered in Him together, or if 'unity' only happens in heaven?

So I'd at odds: there's the United Methodist tradition with which I was raised, the anti-establishment evangelicalism I experienced in college, the Spanglish Roman Catholicism I loved during a week at summer camp, the thinking spirtuality of a small group of friends in Kenya, and exposure to a hundred other different facets of 'the church' at-large to which I've been exposed over the ten year of my personal spiritual journey.

Today I sat down with the Priest of St. Andrew's Orthodox Church, which happens to be across the street from my apartment building. I listened to the spiritual journey of the Priest, whose personal spiritual journey eventually led him to direct his evangelical church towards Orthodoxy.

As I listened to his journey, I realized that so many of the questions he asked about his faith are questions that I, too, ask almost daily. "Lord, is this all there is? Are we settling? Or should we be asking for more? Should we be giving more? Should our worship be more?"

Derek Webb, probably my favorite songwriter, has as the last track on his album She Must and Shall Go Free, lyrics from Christ's perspective which say, "If you love me, then you'll love the church." And I've been challenged by his song to really examine my attitude towards the church in realizing that Christ died for the church--it is His bride--and I cannot truly love Christ without loving what He loved.

And so I'm out here--still searching for a church home on this earth--oh, I have many church homes. In fact, when I count up churches that I love, I count four, and I have appreciated and enjoyed many more than that. But I have yet to find in my whole life the church that 'fits' all these different pieces and facets of a complex self. Is it out there? Am I to create it? Am I to immerse myself in the church and unleash creativity in its context?

Oh, I don't know. I do know it's a journey. I do know that I am fascinated by liturgy and orthodoxy. I do know that I'm fascinated to read of the spiritual journeys of others...And I pray the Sinner's Prayer: "Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner."